Before: That's me, 200# on my 5'4" frame, in 2003. Looking at this now, I can now see how little trust expressed in my eyes back then.

After: Sedona AZ on summer solstice hike in the dessert in 2007, up in the center of the back of a wondrous womb cave.

I had to include a photo that shows how fun it was fun climbing up to this magical indentation in the cave. Getting down was a bit more complicated.

Allowing myself to be photographed in a swim suit. Don't even think I let that happen in years past!!!

I have been shy about sharing this part of my personal life. And it is one whole reason I have created this blog. Healthy healing alive food.
My ego reasoning was not to whine or build up the past. It is just my old story. I have learned not to live in old pain stories since that only perpetuates those bothersome and boring painful ways. "No whining" was the motto I learned to adopt as a brand new mom with a brilliant two year old daughter combined with my brilliant (and exhausting) idea to solve single mom hood with owning and operating a home daycare center in order to stay at home with my child. Built in friends and a social life for at least one of us. Yet, flash back 2 years earlier, while living a single young and idependant 24 year old woman's life in Alaska, I let a psychic hold my hand at a party when she looked deeply into my eyes to tell me I would move across the waters and have 10 kids! Now THAT Scared me out of my wits, that crazy old psychic did! Now I say, Thank GOODNESS I did not birth all but 2 children predicted and found a way to fullfil the rest of her prophecy by providing income, food and shelter and just LOVE and care for 10 little incredible souls for 6 to 9 hours per day for 3 years!
That said, I have learned to live right in the moment now over and over again and again. That is my experience of how the now works as an artist and mom. From my passions and to share from my heart. So it has taken time to put to words my journey to share without bringing back the old hell of growing up as an adult. (I am referring to the unspoken but truth of adulthood! That rarely do adults share with their children)
I have met many many women like me. struggling with self esteem, weight, hormone and body balance over the last 10 years that I have worked as a psychic, angel channel and angel portrait artist. As I let my psychic gifts serve and assist clients, I would learn of many ways to also assist myself. Because of the nature of my work, where the higher realms beam down great love and support for each and everyone of us, I became very good at letting this shine in through each session with a visceral tangible sense to open everyone I worked with. Anchoring heaven on earth. But this did not mean in anyway that I was perfectly healed. No, far far from it. I was also on my own personal healing journey too. My children always inspired me to grow, improve and become the best I could so they could also learn from my modeling to do this for their very own selves.
For 22 years I worked steadily on my spiritual journey. Healing and processing my child of origin wounds. For 12 years I delved deeply into an earth based Native American spiritual journey, where I explored my life through sweat lodges and vision quests. Attempting to get "grounded" since I was pretty much up in the clouds. Which was one way of trying to get back into my body. (It really took another 10 years for that to begin to happen!) Along the way I developed my passion for creating food to share with others by starting up a small catering and personal chef business focusing on Mediterranean, pacific rim and Americana foods. Healthy, organic but heavy on the wheat, cream, butter and meats.
I also studied herbalism for 3 wonderful magical years starting back when I was in that uncomfortable pregnancy with my second child. This brought about the beginnings of awareness of healing with plants rather than relying on a pill or antibiotics. I loved studying and learning and wild gathering plants to be turned into healing teas, tinctures, and salves. Still diet evaded me and I continued to experience more and more intestinal discomforts. When I would visit a doc for support, I was told "it was all in my head", as they did not know how to address this on a dietary track and I would refuse to take their pills.
In 2000 I began my pyschic career and along the way discovered many forms of energy healing, reiki, shamanic healing. I delved into learning each practice, opening and experiencing first hand and through working on others with alternative healing therapies. I was amazed at the changes in myself. Yet I still could not drop my weight. I could not "see" that I had to go to the body level and look at what I was feeding myself and how this was affecting me. I resisted entering into and living fully inside my body. Though I had learned to build many bridges to the wounded parts of myself, it is very typical of PTSD where the neuro system trips into fear fight or flight, messing up the endocrine system's fine tuning. It was easier to stay well insulated (fat) and detached from the unfriendly scary world of my past traumas as a child, teenager and young adult that continued to overlay and affect my life as an adult.
16 years ago, during the pregnancy with my son, my weight soared to 200 pounds and stayed there for 13 years. I could not seem to drop the baby weight. Before this I did not have a weight issue. I did not gain extra weight with my first child. And dropped back to my normal weight after her birth. This was a new me and I adjusted by convincing myself to just get used to it and accept since I had no idea how to deal with it. Anyway that is how I adjusted to this. I did not have steady health insurance and even the health insurance I shared with my husband then, ended with the divorce. I continued to work for myself, cleaning houses and giving psychic readings full time. My kids had health care covered by their dad during that time. And except for another short and lousy marriage, I was a single mom with 2 amazing children to raise. My finances suffered because daily I experienced painful bouts of morning gut pain and diarrhea (scary with blood) from the time I awoke to about 11 am. From 11 am on I would work hard, but I was exhausted and drained with mood swings up and down everyday. I would just push hard relentlessly through my days. I craved sugars and carbs to keep me going each day dipping with a huge crash around 4 pm, which I would remedy with a nice grande vanilla mocha double latte and some sweet treat. The caffube would keep me up till midnight while I worked in my studio on my business after the kids were in bed. My weight would swing up and down between 10 and 15 pounds hovering between 180 to 200. I was never able to succeed at reducing my body size beyond this. Looking back, I believe I was starving back then, eating regular balanced, but not overly huge meals, unable to absorb nutrients and losing all my food's nutritional value to diarrhea, though you would not have known this by looking at me. At 5'4", I was over weight, bloated, pale, with loads of acne and cold sores. My self esteem was very low and I was discouraged. Yet, everyday, I walked my dear pug dog faithfully. Nice long brisk walks in our neighborhood park. My dog ate a homemade raw meat dog diet. I always joked that my cats and dog ate better than we did! Why did I not listen more closely to my own jokes?
(While on a hike on Mt Adams in Washington state, my sweet dog, Lili pug, shares my journey of releasing my excess weight. It's a very hot day when the temp shot up to over 90 degrees in less than an hour, Lili pug's pushed in snout can not cool her body temp efficiently, as this was very dangerous for her, we are several miles from the trail head so I poured water from my drinking bottle on her to cool her core temp and had to resort to carrying her while she cooled down. I am about 30 pounds along in releasing my weight.)

I have been mostly gluten free for 6 years starting back in 2003. By simply removing wheat from my diet I was able to discern that my body is intolerant and sensitive to gluten but I am not diagnosed as a celiac. Yet I still could not lose weight. After this I began eliminating other foods and found out my body is lactose intolerant and sensitive all processed sugars, tapioca starch, potato starch, corn starch and flour. (so much for the gluten free flour mixes!)
I can eat a small amount of gluten (wheat) at a holiday meal or celebration and not suffer if I do not continue to eat gluten, refined and processed foods day after day. So I save the wheat and a bit of sugar and dairy for the holiday or family birthday gathering. I celebrate that I am able to eat sprouted grain bread once or twice a week without any issues. It is amazing how you can begin to like a sprouted grain bread over artisan breads! And yet I have learned to enjoy this. Since I have an intolerance to dairy this has been a doorway into exploring a vegan diet (and chia seeds!). Though I am not inclined to be strict or dogmatic about diet, I learned I can tolerate small amounts of goat cheese and raw milk yogurt. If I consume any kind of pasteurized dairy for more than a couple of days my symptoms return very quickly. All of this has been well tested out during Christmas holidays when my kids are all craving and wanting our old family traditional foods and I break down, drag out the recipes prepare and sample everything.
In 2006, my beloved and new boyfriend (now life partner) gifted me with a gym membership where I started a daily exercise workout including weights and cardio, hiking and biking. (I love my bicycle rides! and I no longer hate hills!) In 10 months I lost 80lbs! At that time we adjusted how we were eating by removing all refined sugars, dairy, (except the wee bit of goat cheese and raw yogurt) fruit juices and grains except for sprouted grain bread, brown rice and quinoa. We focused on eating fresh veggies, legumes, leafy greens, and fresh fruits. I now have energy and vitality and my body back. My life has taken a 180 degree turn into health and vitality. There is always some interesting healing and processing to do with what I now at almost 50 have discovered is part of growing and expanding into being me. A work in progress and never, never boring when this perspective is applied!
It was no picnic to dissolve 80# of fat. I experienced many healing crisis and detoxing of non water soluble impurities and toxins store in my body fat. That opened the door to learning how to assist and support detoxing the body with hydro colon therapy, herbs and supplements. I also got the opportunity this year to remove all the mercury fillings in my teeth over a 5 month period. Of course this added another round of detoxing to support this procedure.
For me, there is nothing like eating a fresh raw or partially raw meal. And then there is the body feeling afterward. Light and clean, full of energy and vitality I can go on to the next task of my day with energy. No sluggish sleepy feeling. I never get sick. That was not the case 4 years ago! I love supporting the local farmers at the farmers market. I look forward to the day I can develop, plant and nurture my own garden of greens and veggies. I have all the plans and visions in my head ready for the garden to come. For now, I sprout indoors on the kitchen counter and use the sprouts on my salads and wraps. My own indoor garden of sorts.
In this blog I share my favorite recipes I have created and eat daily. Some are just my versions of basics you can also find in raw recipe books or blogs, others are my personal creations or tweaks of inspiration based on recipes I have tried and expanded on. Raw food carries a very vibrant, alive flavor. There is a "wow" response from tasting raw creations of food. I love sharing this with you. The experience of eating live enzymes and the vibrant life force of raw is one of the reasons I keep at this. When I return to regular cooked food, the taste is flat and the food weighs heavy in my gut. No contest. I also include warm vegan soups to eat during the cold mountain winters. I just get way to chilled otherwise. If it weren't for the skiing, I would live along the ocean side where the waters are warm enough to surf and play in the waves. This I know.
(living proof of joy; that I could live just fine by the ocean, sliding down the waves. My goal for turning 50 (!!!) this coming year is to learn how to surf! Stand up on a board! If it were not for my age long dream of starting up a raw/vegan cafe here in Park City, (tba, if we get the funding needed to sign the lease! Yeah!) I would talk David into relocating maybe Santa Cruz or Santa something else along the southern coastline of the Pacific ocean. But, skiing still causes passion to activate when I think of the coming winter season just ahead....)

I share my food creations from my heart. May my journey gift you with insights into your own wonderful journey and path through your life. What doesn't fit for you, just leave behind. But if something fits for you, you are welcome to make it your part of your own. We are all on this incredible ride of living here on earth, spiritual beings expressing life and creation in human bodies. May you find joy and peace along the way.
Namaste